I am going to start with a list of character traits/flaws that you may have felt or done before. I have felt/done almost every one of these. As you read this list, be honest and ask yourself- do I ever feel this way?
· You often find it difficult to say No, even when you really don’t want to say Yes
· Sometimes confuses being “needed” with being “loved” or “liked”
· Feels exhausted from always trying to be perfect or helpful
· Has a fear of letting others down
· Often overpromises
· Often holds back from what you really say/think/feel
· Does everything possible to avoid conflict
· Constantly worries about hurting others
· Often feels like you could do or be better
If your answer is yes, I have felt this before…. Then you have something in common with most of us-you too are a People Pleaser!
These past couple of weeks, our small group has been talking about Idols- What is an idol and what idols do we have in our lives that we may or may not even be aware of? We tend to think of an idol as a statue or another figure head that we worship, but in fact that is only one form of an idol.
Idols can take many different shapes and forms; an idol is not simply a statue or false god.
Tim Keller said: (read)
An Idol is: anything that ABSORBS your heart and imagination, anything you seek to give you what only GOD can give. It is anything so CENTRAL and ESSENTIAL to your life that, should you lose it, or never obtain it… your life would feel hardly worth living.
An idol has such a controlling position in your heart that you can spend most of your passion and energy, your emotional and financial resources, on it without a second thought. It can be family and children, or career and making money, or achievement, or even saving “face” and social standing.
It can be a romantic relationship, peer approval, competence and skill, secure and comfortable circumstances, your beauty or your brains, a great political or social cause, your morality and virtue, or even success in the Christian ministry. When your meaning in life is to fix someone else’s life, we may call it “codependency” but it is really idolatry. An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, “If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I’ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.” ~Tim Keller: Counterfeit Gods
Satan loves to make good things become bad things- He knows that anything, even striving for good can become an idol and distract us from the Lord. Today, we are going to focus on one of these idols that most of us fail to recognize as a form of idolatry- that is People Pleasing.
God has commanded us to LOVE others… not PLEASE.
The definition of Please is: to focus closely on peoples wishes when deciding how to act or proceed. To give satisfaction or pleasure; to be agreeable.
To strive to please means to accommodate one’s self to the opinions, desires, and interests of others.
You typically want to please someone for your own benefit.
For example: A waitress tries to please their customers: why- they have a hidden motive most of the time- they want a tip!
The definition of Love is: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. An unselfish loyal and compassionate concern for the good of another.
Although I often confuse these definitions, there is a distinct difference- Love is always selfless but pleasing often holds hidden selfish agendas…. I know I am guilty of this! Too many times I think I am obeying the Lord, but really I am following my own agenda.
I tried to google- “How many times in scripture are we told to “love one another?” I didn’t do enough research to be quoted but according to Wiki Answers (which is always right ;) the exact phrase “Love one another” is used 11 times. That doesn’t even include “love your neighbor as yourself.” So I am pretty confident scripture tells us more than 11 times that we were created to love others.
I then googled “How many times in scripture are we told to “please others?” to my shock I found 1 scripture that actually used this phrase “Please your neighbor.” I was hoping for zero to make my point, I even tried every changing the translation a few times, but majority of them still said “Please.”
Romans 15:2-
Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. (ESV)
Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. (NIV)
Let every one of us please his neighbor for his good to edification (KJV)
I could keep going… most of them say please. But then I started re-reading this verse and I realized the use of please in this text actually follows the definition of LOVE- an unselfish loyal and compassionate concern FOR THE GOOD OF ANOTHER.
Romans 15:2 tells us to please our neighbor: not to satisfy ourselves, and not to make sure others are happy with us but we are to please them for their own good. That’s what Love is!
Although 11+ to 1 was still in favor of my point, now it is 12 to none. The reason we are called to love others is to teach us how to lay down our own life in order to lift others up!
The Message version of Romans 15:2 says-
“Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us.” (The Message)
Love is inconvenient and not self-seeking. Guys you don’t need a “Tip” from anyone. You already have a FORTUNE from God. AHHH I get so excited when I really wrap my mind around that! So when you understand that you already have everything… you can LOVE knowing you need nothing, but rather you have so much to give!
Back to my point: People-pleasers, allow something other than God to take first place- the opinion of others matters more than God’s opinion.
As we continue on with today’s lesson I don’t want you to get the wrong idea- it is ok to want to make others happy- but their opinion of you and their satisfaction cannot be at the center of your life. If Christ is at the center, if His approval is the one you are seeking, then relationships in your life will naturally be satisfied because they will be full of Christ’s love- not our pleasing. (Love to Give Not Please to get)
So before we teach ourselves how to seek the right approval- Christ’s approval- we need to do some unteaching. We need to learn and believe that personal validation will not be found by:
· the approval of others
· the number of people that like you
Say this with me: “Not everyone will like me and that is ok because: GOD LOVES ME!”
I know that sounds so silly but it is true… it is ok because GOD LOVES YOU. If God is for you, who can be against you? (Romans 8:31)
I love the classic break-up line “its not you…. Its me.” Seriously let’s think about this. People only say that because they don’t want someone to think poorly of them… We are more concerned with what that person thinks of us or what their friends think of us then telling them how we really feel.
But why do we care so much about what they think….. what happens after a break-up…. You don’t see or talk to them anymore. So why didn’t we just tell the truth, Maybe we need to learn how to say…..
“It’s not you, It is me… finally realizing you are terrible for me!”
Haha- maybe that is a little harsh… but in all seriousness it proves my point= we need to stop trying to please everyone!
We need to learn how to love people like Jesus wants us to love and that doesn’t mean we should seek everyone’s approval.
Stop trying to be everything to everyone– Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. Maybe it is time to narrow your focus- Get rid of distractions that have become idols!
Today we are going to read a story of a man who wanted everyone to like him. In John 18, we are introduced to Pilate. As a representative of the Roman Empire, his main responsibilities were to collect taxes and keep the peace among the people. In chapter 18 the Jewish leaders bring Jesus to Pilate because they were seeking death and they did not have the authority to kill Jesus- they needed the punishment to come from the Roman Government.
Pilate knew that if he did not agree to the Jews request that it might start a revolt, which would jeopardize his standing with the Roman authorities.
Let’s continue with the story and read John 19: 1-16
1-3 So Pilate took Jesus and had him whipped. The soldiers, having braided a crown from thorns, set it on his head, threw a purple robe over him, and approached him with, “Hail, King of the Jews!” Then they greeted him with slaps in the face.4-5 Pilate went back out again and said to them, “I present him to you, but I want you to know that I do not find him guilty of any crime.” Just then Jesus came out wearing the thorn crown and purple robe. Pilate announced, “Here he is: the Man.”6 When the high priests and police saw him, they shouted in a frenzy, “Crucify! Crucify!” Pilate told them, “You take him. You crucify him. I find nothing wrong with him.” 7 The Jews answered, “We have a law, and by that law he must die because he claimed to be the Son of God.”
8-9 When Pilate heard this, he became even more scared. He went back into the palace and said to Jesus, “Where did you come from?” Jesus gave no answer. 10 Pilate said, “You won’t talk? Don’t you know that I have the authority to pardon you, and the authority to—crucify you?”11 Jesus said, “You haven’t a shred of authority over me except what has been given you from heaven. That’s why the one who betrayed me to you has committed a far greater fault.” 12 At this, Pilate tried his best to pardon him, but the Jews shouted him down: “If you pardon this man, you’re no friend of Caesar’s. Anyone setting himself up as ‘king’ defies Caesar.13-14 When Pilate heard those words, he led Jesus outside. He sat down at the judgment seat in the area designated Stone Court. It was the preparation day for Passover. The hour was noon. Pilate said to the Jews, “Here is your king.” 15 They shouted back, “Kill him! Kill him! Crucify him!” Pilate said, “I am to crucify your king?” The high priests answered, “We have no king except Caesar.” 16-19 Pilate caved in to their demand. He turned him over to be crucified.
Many people view Pilate as a man who didn’t stand for anything; however, I would argue that Pilate did indeed stand for something; He stood for his own glory, his own wealth, his own power and fame.
The gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) each tell this story from a slightly different view point; however each account displays Pilate’s internal struggle to do the right thing.
In each of their stories, Pilate claims to find no fault in Jesus, but still in each gospel, Pilate is the one who authorizes the final order to crucify Christ.
Pilate did stand for something; He stood for himself and the approval of others.
My first thought as I prepared to teach was to talk about how we need to be bold and stand for something. I was going to use the quote- “if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” I think this can very much be applied to today’s lesson, but I want to shift my initial thoughts a bit.
Rather than encouraging our class to stand for something- maybe we actually need to examine what things we are already standing for. What idols do you have? Are you too a people pleaser like Pilate?
Let’s look at this story from another perspective
Matthew 27:15-24 (ask someone to read)
Now it was the governor’s custom at the festival to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd. 16 At that time they had a well-known prisoner whose name was Jesus[b] Barabbas. 17 So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, “Which one do you want me to release to you: Jesus Barabbas, or Jesus who is called the Messiah?” 18 For he knew it was out of self-interest that they had handed Jesus over to him.19 While Pilate was sitting on the judge’s seat, his wife sent him this message: “Don’t have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him.”
20 But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Jesus executed. 21 “Which of the two do you want me to release to you?” asked the governor. “Barabbas,” they answered.22 “What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called the Messiah?” Pilate asked. They all answered, “Crucify him!” 23 “Why? What crime has he committed?” asked Pilate. But they shouted all the louder, “Crucify him!” 24 When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. “I am innocent of this man’s blood,” he said. “It is your responsibility!”
Looking at these two accounts from John and Matthew- Do you see the grace of God in this story? Do you see the grace given to Pilate? His conscience is telling him the right thing to do, which confirms- God gives us all a chance to do or stand up for what is right... in this story, God even sends a supernatural dream to warn Pilate and to tell him his conscious is right.
It is clear Pilate knows what is right, He knows that Jesus is innocent and He has the authority by his own confession (19:10) to do the right thing. But here is his problem:
The Voice of the Crowd and the advice of other people are in conflict with his conscience.
Pilate did what many leaders and what many of us are often tempted to do in an uncomfortable situation.
1.) Tried to deny the responsibility
He tried to hand Jesus back to the Jews to let them deal with the situation. John 18:31 “Take him yourselves and judge him by your own law?”
2.) Tried to pass the responsibility (this one is very similar to the first)
Pilate’s second attempt happened when he heard that Jesus was from Galilee. Luke 23:7 says that Galilee was under Herod’s jurisdictions so Pilate sent Jesus to Herod claiming that it was not his responsibility since someone else was over Galilee
3.) Tried to find a compromise to meet the responsibility
Matthew 27:15-18 He remembered a custom observed during the Passover in which the Roman governor would let the people choose one prisoner to be released. Pilate saw this as a solution to his problem. He would narrow the choice between Jesus and a crook named Barabbas. Barabbas was so awful that Pilate was confident the people would not choose to release Barabbas. But he was wrong…
So when Pilate finally realizes he is out of options he has to decided: Please the people or do right- he decides to:
4.) Washed his hands of the responsibility- “Majority Rules”
Pilate ignored his Wife’s dream and he ignored what his gut was telling him all because he wanted to please the crowd.
Pilate had every opportunity to make the right choice but simply decided to protect his own position rather than do the right thing. What breaks my heart is that Pilate thought he was innocent and free of guilt because he had “washed his hands” of the crime. I’m sure deep down Pilate was full of guilt, but he convinced himself that he could do what the people wanted and still be right in God’s eyes.
Matthew 6:24 tells us we cannot serve two masters. Today we too have a choice- who do we serve?
If we are honest I think most of us would say we have done this too. Maybe we have not given a direct order to nail Jesus to the cross, but by being passive, we have ignored what was right in order to please people.
I was trying to think of a common example- How do we “wash our hands?” Maybe it is as simple as being part of a negative conversation. Girls we like to gossip, I am sure you have been in a conversation that you knew deep down was wrong and hurtful- but you wanted to be invited back to the dinner party- you wanted to be in with the “cool girls.” So you just didn’t add anything and waited for the next topic… passivity is just as bad as participation. When we allow something to continue, even when we know it is wrong- we are not innocent- we may think we have “washed our hands,” pat ourselves on the back- but by remaining quiet, we have said: “I agree with this.”
Do you struggle with this? I know I do.
As singles, I think this is one of the biggest struggles we face. We are all trying to figure out where we fit in, what we enjoy doing or what we are good at, and what relationships are important to us. I believe as singles, this is the most important time to stand for what is right- This is the most important time to not allow ourselves to be passive.
As much as we can learn what not to do from this story, we can also learn what to do:
1. Seek wise counsel- Pilate asked/listened to bad counsel for advice
Proverbs 15: 22- Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
From this story and this verse we can see the importance of listening to the right advice.
2. Examine your heart! Pilate chose not to weigh right and wrong
Luke 6: 45- A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
When wee are full of any thought or idol, it will show in our conversations- what do you talk about?
3. Decide if you want to Love or Please
Proverbs 16: 7- When a man’s ways please the LORD, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
I Thessalonians 2:4- just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts. (ESV)
My prayer for each of you is that our hearts would hurt because we want more of Christ. That we would strive to strengthen our relationship with Him.
SO this week, I challenge you to examine your hearts and identify any idols you have allowed in your life. Then decide- are you going to love the world like Christ or are you going to please the world?
